hey all.

while at work, and randomly it occurs to me... sometimes my thought process works out as how i'm going to explain or describe it someone in a blog post or online discussion, etc... like i'm telling a story, though not necessarily like narration... like today at work, i just thought about how i'd tell about what was happening here. yet, i didn't have much motivation to blog. even as i write it, i'm just kind of doing it cuz... oh well. i'll just type and see what comes up.

on friday, after half-heartedly playing a game of sardines with some cru friends at univ hall., i found myself in a bit of a conversation with my friends chris and kent... but i feel like it was just supposed to have been between the two of them... at any rate, chris at one point said the following:

you can know a day is good when, at the end, you can reflect and say 'God and I were friends today'

he then proceeded to tell us that it wasn't the case for him that day. we were just about leaving at that point too tho, but on our way out i said, me too.

and it wasn't just friday

saturday, i drove home to cinti. had skyline with my mom and bro. just a really enjoyable time as we talked about various aspects of popular culture. not anything academic, but like movies and tv shows. we love that stuff. later that afternoon, my bro and i ran some errands he needed to do, which included getting flowers for his gf, emily. it makes me smile how cool my lil bro is... and i know it's just how our family is. as he's paying for the flowers, he says "you're the one who wanted these flowers" and i jump right back with "i never said i wanted flowers, i wanted chocolates" ...i'm sure the floral cashier enjoyed it as she chuckled at us... as for what she thought, well you can imagine. so later was basically the only reason i came in: my aunt's halloween party. this is kind of a every-few-years tradition. once it was wizard of oz themed and another time was austin powers. this year's theme was alice and wonderland. some good costumes but i didn't put much effort. they were glad i showed up. my older brother didn't, as usual... my mom hurts everytime he does that... it's a shame really. oh well. around 9, i left the party because i wanted to see my dad while i was in town. so i bought him a late dinner and hung out with him for a couple hours. there were a few instances where i could have talked to him about my ssa... but i didn't. i really don't think he'll understand. he's way too conservative that he'd just think i'm gay and where he sits with his faith... i'm not so sure... so to tell him that i'm (trying to) giving God control in hopes to walk away from it... i don't know.

anyway... here's the part that keeps me from saying God and i were friends that day.

a couple weeks ago, i made friends with a guy... a brother... through another struggling brother... and it ended up being a very messy situation. i hope i did my best to minister to him... in between talking about actually forming a relationship with him ... ugh i hate to admit that. this guy... had developed feelings for me. yes, he is a fellow believer, but he's also gay-identified, perhaps called to celibacy... though not abstaning from ss relationships... his view is... well i disagree with it because it's too dangerous, allowing that celibacy to be broken too easily... regardless, the way he originally described it to me, it was still an idolotrous, emotionally dependent relationship... and still wrong, even if he could site bible verses (which he probably misinterpretted) anyway... he and i talked til 4 am... and that should not have happened. the conversation was in no way edifying... we'll just say it that way. it wasn't obscene either tho.

as i went to couch that night, i felt like God and i weren't friends... anytime i thought of this guy and me together, i felt terrible... so as much as i still struggle with thinking that something like that could be possible, that in the back of my mind i fear i'm going to do something i know i'll regret (and for those of you who know my story, it's what i haven't done yet)... i know i'm going to feel disgusted by myself at even the thought of a real possibility of it... so i guess that's kind of a good thing? i know it's a defense mechanism... but why do i do that instead of trusting that God has my best intrests at Hand... He'll protect me and provide me with what i need... right now, this fear of something happening is preventing it from happening, but why can't i let that fear go and rest assured in the comfort of the Arms of Love?

the effects of the night before were felt yesterday morning as i essentially fell to m in the shower... only the second time since exodus. ugh.

i drove my bro back to ud... then i pulled at a rest stop for a half hour nap as i'd only gotten 4 hours of sleep. on my way back to bg, i decided to fast. i got into bg around 2 and dustin's family was here. if i spent more time with them, i'd probably grow quite fond of them. they played catch phrase as i talked to the guy. he's very perceptive... i told him what was going on and he actually suggested that we cut contact, tho i had decided that along with my fast so, deleted him from everything and i hope it's for the best...went to my class meeting where i almost fell alseep a couple times during. that would have been horrible as there were only 6 of us in the undergrad lounge, including the profe. i immediately came back to my place and took a nap before going to mass.

mass was good because that's when the hunger really hit. it was cool too because the gospel was the story of bartimeous. fr mike's homily was spot on, in light of my fast and everything that was going on with... everything.

like the last time i legitimately fasted, i ended it with mass. planning to do the same this time, but as i went to my car, God challenged me to keep going. so i went til midnight.

still i went to bed with the same thought... i mean, there was some good in the friendship i had with this guy, i feel. it sucks that that was lost.

so today (finally! this post is quite long, i apologize), the main thing i want to talk about is work. i get there barely on time and all seems well. there was even a long period when it was slow right at the beginning of my shift in which i checked on everything i was supposed to. it all was fine... but then we got hit by a rush and it used up a lot of the stuff... including one of the soups. just as the rush subsided, before i could do anything about it, one of the full time managers came and basically yelled at me for not seeing to the soup. he also yelled at the student supervisor, who ended up claiming the responsibility for the whole thing, which was the case. at any rate, the whole rest of my shift, i felt like crap, especially when the next student supervisor simply reminded me about chips and drinks like she normally would. on top of that, there were so many good looking guys that came through, including one of the most good looking guys i've ever seen... so much so that if i were where i was at ...mentally, spiritually, emotionally, etc pre-april, well i don't even want to imagine what i would have done. if there were a movie of my life, i would want this guy to play me. he was physically everything i'd like to be (which makes so much sense to me as for why i was attracted to him)

by grace, i was out of reciept paper, which the supervisor changed for me as i was ringing this hott guy up. because the supervisor had taken so long in getting the paper, so many customers went through without their reciepts printing. they didn't care. thing is, when that happens, the printer will print those reciepts when the paper is replaced. so it kind of did that, but the supervisor dealt with it and distracted me enough from looking at this guy's id and seeing his name... so i have no idea what this guy's name is. this is good because, even tho i am at a different place in my life, i know i probably would have at least facebooked this guy, just as i did with the pollyeyes server and his 'friend' when they came through my line recently...

anyway... my shift was just... not fun.

yeah i think that's all i got.

in a lighter note, flyleaf's new album drops tomorrow!!! i preordered it several weeks back so it should be in my mailbox. i'm so pumped.

here it is! the long awaited blog post. this is going to be long. at least, i have a lot of ideas floating around in my head... and i hope i can do them justice. if there's anything you're confused about, feel free to comment on it or talk to me later about it.
also, up front, i'm going to need to supply some background information. the large majority is not my original ideas, i'm just applying them to my life, my struggle. the person who is accredited for these ideas is none other than cru's amazing director, steve.

so, one thing i've been learning is this idea ...of what i'm calling (and so does steve) the gospel of "Stop It!" to help illustrate what i and steve mean by that, i'll show you the video that steve showed us at crosstraining.

so, it's a simple concept... yet when we try to apply that to our spiritual lives, it doesn't work. as we see in the video, Katherine (mo collins' character) started to not like it. then, the doctor responded with a fear tactic. this clip shows that Stop It is no good. the doctor even says "I don't make change". of course, he was referring to money, but it's certainly true that the gospel of "Stop It!" doesn't offer real change, it doesn't transform lives the way that a relationship with Christ and living with the Holy Spirit does.

so when looking at my struggle, i certainly have taken the Stop It approach (it may have been after seeing this skit for the first time, in fact)... just another way that i thought i could 'fix' myself, keeping God out of the picture, and i couldn't do it... i'd end up falling flat on my face. so this whole thing is that I need God in my life.

another idea i'm working through, again, thanks to steve, is to approach the struggle from the perspective of what is really good and what is really evil. it may take a while to prove this, and i can do it if you'd like, but for the sake of time, i'll simply say that everything that's good is some form of gift giving and everything that's evil is some form of stealing. to help explain that, i'll give you two examples. We know God is good because He became one of us and GAVE His life for us. the greatest gift one can give is life and that's exactly what Christ did for us, because He loves us. the other example is this. think about the most evil think any person can do and what do you come up with? murder, rape, torture? they are all steal... stealing things that can't be given back. murder, life is stolen. rape, sexuality is stolen. torture, freedom is stolen. are we all on the same page with this? i'll leave that here for now, but keep that in the back of your mind as you read through some of this stuff.

a few weeks ago, i attended a men's retreat with cru. it was so great. we talked a lot about what it is to be a Man of God. we had man challenges, played some fun games like dodgeball, netball, capture the flag, board games and card games, like runebound, settlers of catan, euchre, etc... a lot of great fellowship in brotherhood. the talks were great too. nick (another staff member) talked about men's fallen nature and how to overcome that... a lot of what i learned on exodus, but applied a little differently. it's good to know that the same general principles are solid and ...universal

during the weekend, i have 4 epiphanies, you could say. i honestly can't remember what the fourth one was, and i even remember thinking to myself that i should write it down, but at the time i didn't have pen or paper... i did have an epiphany earlier this week, so i'll replace #4 with that one. i mean, if it wasn't profound enough for me to remember it... then why bother tearing myself up about it and if it is profound enough, then God will reveal it to me later.

1. the first realization may not seem that big but it was still one that i had, and because i had it at man maker, tho not directly relevant to what was discussed, it is still relevant.

i recently may have shared with you guys on here an interaction i had at a local restaurant. check back on older blogs if you'd like, but i'll explain it now. basically, there was a server at this restaurant and i got the "vibe", if you will. now, i really don't believe in the gaydar, but there is so much psychology behind it it's not even funny... just the complexities of the human soul and the desire to be known. at any rate, i just had the feeling that this guy's gay. so i ended up writing on a napkin that God wants so much more for him and the Jesus loves him. i also included my name so he could facebook me, which he hasn't nor do i think he will... and i realize that it probably wasn't the best thing to do. yet, at the time, i thought i might not see him again and i thought it was really important that some follow up to be done. well, the realization that i had was that this guy... i have seen him since. he's come to where i work as a cashier on campus and he's been through my line. granted there's only one cash register... but it just hit me that i have seen him since. i remember that when he came in, it was him and a friend of his. i remember thinking that he was cute, but his friend was probably his bf or something. i admit that it was wrong for me to make that judgement. i'd even seen him since then. he and his friend were outside, near the dorm that's right next to my work. so, i get the feeling that he perhaps lives in that dorm and that i might see him again, given how much i'm around there with work and lifegroup, etc which meets in that building. am i'm wondering, what do i do when i do see him again? do i start up a conversation with him? do i remind him that i was the guy that wrote on the napkin to him? idk, these are all hypotheticals. something to think about

2. this next one was the big one. steve gave a talk about sexuality (in general, not just orientation or whatever). he definitely started off with what i did about about good being gift giving and evil being stealing. so, he illustrated it with a red cup that he gave to this guy alex sitting next to him. he went through different scenarios (alex taking the red cup, because he knew it was for him... and a few others i can't remember) but one was this. what if alex had a red cup, and steve had a red cup, which steve planned to give to alex... so then they just end up exchanging red cups and nothing happens. when i saw that i immediately thought about the struggle, about homosexuality. see, i have a red cup and i can't possibly give a red cup to another man, because he has a red cup too. God designed it so i give a red cup to a woman who has a blue cup... and we then mix our cups to form a purple cup. now, that's a bit of a tangent. the thing with homosexuality... is that somewhere along the lines, the homosexual, those who struggle with same sex attraction... somehow they believe that they don't have a red cup (for men)... that they have a blue cup, on some level... that they aren't a man... and that the only way to become more of a man is to get it from other men... and while they might not intend to take it (steal it), that's what they're doing... that somehow their whatever color cup can be made red by taking the red from others. so, in that sense, because homosexuality is a form of stealing, it's evil. and to those who say that it's love... they have the wrong idea of love. some will say "well i live him because he makes me happy" ...and again that's such a selfish (taking) love. if you're on board with the idea that all good, all love, is giving... then what can i as a man possibly give another man that he doesn't already have? sure, i can think of a few things... but they are so very superficial and so very shallow that that's not what i want to be living my life for... those things don't fulfill nor do they satisfy.

3. the next big thing from man maker was steve's second talk the next night about dating. it wasn't like any practical advise, like steps, like of first ask a girl out, then say this, or that, or whatever... it was more a continuation of how we as men of God have the duty to treat women as they deserve because they are daughters of the King. when we love them and give them the chance to soar, to protect their beauty to let it shine through and build them up as the beautiful creations that they are, then God is glorified. at the same time, when women build up men in the ways that men deserve (not because we're men, but because God wired us this way), God is also glorified. so, 1 man and 1 woman, unified and compatible is the only legitimate union. so when someone says "it's adam and eve, not adam and steve" the deeper meaning behind that is that men were not made to please, satisfy, fulfill other men and neither were women to do the same for other women.

the other part to steve's talk was on REAL manhood. REAL is an acronym. Reject passivity, Embrace integrity, Accept responsibility, and Lead courageously. the revelation here is that i realize of the 4, i struggle the most with the first. i can't help to think this and it hurts me to admit it... but i think of my dad. while he was a great dad and i love him dearly, and i know he loves me and my brothers, i can see how he was passive in his marriage to my mother, and i think that's ultimately what led to it's downfall.

4. okay so this one is not from man maker, but from the systematic theology that i'm taking with steve (go figure). as i was walking home from it, it hit me. during the class, we talked a lot about some of the same stuff presented above. the main thing that steve added at the end was that yes, God is gendered. while we, myself included, refer to God as Him, or seemingly masculine terms, God is not male in the same sense that i am male. personally, i always make it a point to capitalize any words that refer to God. originally it was to show respect, but now it takes another meaning. it shows that He is different from me and my brothers. He is Male, while i am male... to be honest, i'm hesitant to say it that way, so i'll explain it this way. God is gendered, but not how we are. so what does that make us? we're obviously gendered too, but we are His other. just as man is completed by woman, God is completed by humans. our genders, male and female are then a reflection of that. our genders are a blessing. this is the revelation that i had walking home now. i thought of things i'm learning in my spanish classes. the biggest thing in all of them, any of them i've taken here at bgsu is the concept of la otredad. that basically translates into being the other. this concept explains so much of spanish and latin american culture... and when i think about it, it explains so much of human history in general. racism is how the dominant race treats the other race. Sexism is how the dominant sex treats the other sex. Classism is how the higher social class treats the other classes. this concept of otherness... it leads to all the -isms of the world. so then might one say it's bad to be the other? it's bad to have a dominance of one race, sex, class, creed, etc... sort of. the thing is that all these -isms are manifested because we're a broken people. we have the image of a perfect relationship of Christ and His bride, the church and that's not being imitated. if we just follow that... would all those systems of hate disappear? i pray for the day...

so... i think i'll stop there. i do have more to talk about... more recent experiences, but i'll table them for another post. it has to do with two conversations i had. someone remind me of them, okay? lol

i hope that all of you who were on the edge of your seats, holding on to your butts (which was a quote from Jurassic Park, btw), or whatever else, can now rest easy that i've given you, shared my thoughts with you all.